The Gal Pal Golden Rule

I’ve noticed in that past couple of years that I sometimes let myself get away with ridiculous behavior, when I would totally call my gal pals out on the same behavior if they were doing it. And I know I’m not alone in this – everyone does it at some point. We know when something is a bad idea, or when we’re likely to get hurt, or when we’re doing stupid things. And yet we can’t seem to stop ourselves. We make excuses. We rationalize. And we get hurt.

A couple of examples:

I went through a rough break up a couple years ago. I was pretty head-over-heels for the guy I’d been dating, and when he ended things I was heartbroken. Normally I tend to be a comfort eater and will indulge in all kinds of comfort food when I’m sad. But this time, for whatever reason, I just stopped eating. For days. I didn’t even fully realize what I was doing until I sat down to dinner at a work function and realized it was the first meal I’d had in more than a week. When I got home later, I thought to myself, “If any of my girlfriends was doing this, I would be really worried about them. Clearly this is some sort of bizzarro cry for help that no one is hearing. I’d better start taking care of myself.”

But I knew it would be easy to just keep on with the self-destructive stuff, so I called in reinforcements. At work the next day, I told a good friend and colleague that I hadn’t been eating much lately, and asked her to check in with me and make sure I ate lunch that day. I can’t express how hard this was for me to do. I fancy myself a strong, self-sufficient modern woman. Not the type who stops eating when she gets her heart broken, and certainly not the type who needs someone to make sure she gets fed. Frankly, I was embarrassed to have to say those words out loud. But I’m so glad I swallowed my pride and asked for that help. Naturally, being the fabulous gal pal that she is, my friend did just what I asked. And she continued to check in with me every day for a couple weeks after, often even taking me home with her for lunch just to make sure.

More recently, I’d had a crush on a guy for weeks and finally worked up the courage to ask him out. He told me right away that he had a serious, long-distance girlfriend, but that they had agreed it was OK to see other people as long as it didn’t get “serious.” Now I know what you all are thinking: this is the point at which I should have run in the other direction and had nothing more to do with the guy. And you’d be right. But of course I wouldn’t be writing about it if it were that simple. Instead, after he told me all of this about his girlfriend, he proceeded to flirt with me relentlessly. Sending me dozens of texts a day, full of compliments and sweet things I’m pretty sure his girlfriend wouldn’t have been too happy about. And, being human, I was flattered and flirted right back. I justified it as harmless fun – hey, sometimes a girl just needs a good flirtation, right? We all need to feel attractive and charming and special sometimes.

And that was just dandy until one day I was walking to the bus and thought to myself: “If any of my girlfriends were in this situation, I would tell her to stop with the flirty texts and not get involved with a guy who has a girlfriend! There is no way this will end well.” So again, I called in reinforcements. I talked to one of my best gal pals and she agreed – no good could come of that situation. And in perfect gal-pal fashion, she both totally understood how and why I had indulged such behavior, and also held me accountable for better behavior in the future.

All of this brings me to what I think would be a solution to much of our heartache and self-destructiveness: The Gal Pal Golden Rule. Treat yourself the way you would want your best friend to treat herself. Imagine if your best friend were in your situation and came to your for advice. Think about what you would tell her, what you would want for her. And then follow your own advice.

It is not easy. It requires a kind of self-awareness that isn’t always comfortable. It requires us to be able to take ourselves out of a situation and stop rationalizing and justifying things. It requires us to hold ourselves to as high a standard as we hold our friends. To value ourselves and protect ourselves the same way we value and protect our closest friends.

And sometimes (really, often times) it requires some back-up. Because it is just so easy to get back into our own heads, listen to our own excuses, and continue down a destructive road. So it helps to have a couple of friends who understand and love you, and who will gently hold you accountable and help you face reality. Friends like that are priceless.

I know both of my examples above involved relationship drama, but it doesn’t only apply to that kind of situation. Would you want your best friend to stay in a job that made her miserable? Would you want her to beat herself up over mistakes she’s made, or would you want her to be kind to herself? Would you want her to risk driving home after a couple of drinks, or would you want her to call a cab? Would you want her to hold a grudge with a family member, or extend a peace offering? You get what I mean, right?

Again, it’s not always easy to follow the Gal Pal Golden Rule, but I do think it would save us some heartache if we could manage to do it from time to time. It would leave us so much more time and emotional energy to pursue the relationships and activities that make us happiest, and things that make the world a better place. And isn’t that what life should be about?